The Wonderful Wizard Of Wait, Where Are We?
by SevereInsomnia
Summary: Harry has a dream and takes the Order along with him. What will they do? Who will they encounter? And why is Harry wearing ruby-red trainers?
1. Just My Luck

**The Wonderful Wizard Of—Wait, Where Are We?**

**Summary: **Harry has a dream and takes the Order along with him. What will they do? Who will they encounter? And why is Harry wearing ruby-red trainers?

**Genre: **Humor / Parody

**Rating: **T

**Character Parings: **none so far

**Timeframe:** Summer before fifth year, AU (obviously)

**Warnings: **Intermittent swearing; non-graphic, non-violent, and non-described character death; drug references; and mentioning of a brothel. I don't know if that matters, but I'm going to warn you anyway.

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and everything recognisable as belonging to the series is the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. Likewise, I own nothing that is recognisable as belonging to _The Wizard of Oz._

**Further Warning:** This fanfiction will be written solely for comic relief. It will not be beta'd. So if you don't like randomness, now would be a good time to run.

* * *

"We're going out," Uncle Vernon announced smugly over dinner.

"'We?'" said Harry, looking from him to Aunt Petunia.

"Us, not you," she snapped. "Uncle Vernon's company is throwing a party for a big customer, and we certainly don't want _you_ there."

"Fine," said Harry, finishing off the last of his potatoes. Compared to some of the other outings he'd missed out on, it sounded boring.

After dinner he escaped upstairs to his room while Dudley was forced into a suit and had his hair fussed over by Aunt Petunia. His cousin gave him a sullen glare as he passed them in the hall.

Harry flipped through some comics of _Murton Miggs, the Mad Muggle_, that he'd borrowed from Ron, until he heard the car drive off down the street. Then he raided the refrigerator for a slice of chocolate cake left over from Dudley's birthday party and stretched out on his bed with his Hogwarts homework. After finishing off the cake and his Transfiguration homework, Harry fell asleep with his face stuck to the pages of his Potions textbook.

* * *

_BANG!_

Harry jerked upright, dislodging his Potions book onto the floor. It felt like the entire house had been shaking! He ran out into the hallway and stared at the downstairs in horror. The house appeared to be listing to one side, and the front door was hanging off its hinges.

_What happened?_ He wondered, and then, _whatever it was, I'm going to be in deep trouble when Uncle Vernon gets home._ He hurried down the stairs and stepped out of the doorway, gawking so completely that he tripped and fell flat on his face.

"Urgh, where am I?" Harry stood up, rubbing his head. The world around him was definitely not Privet Drive, nor any part of Surrey. The sky was a brilliant powder blue, the grass was an impossible shade of bright green, and he was standing on a pavement of bright yellow cobbles. The trees surrounding them looked like overgrown candies from Honeydukes.

"You don't know?" said a voice sardonically. "Well then, we're really in trouble, aren't we?" Harry looked wildly around until he spotted the speaker, who was sitting on a nearby rock and watching him.

He was wearing black robes with a skull on the front, black fingerless gloves, a skull ring on one finger, and black-and-white striped knee-high socks. It suited him perfectly.

"Oh no, not you," Harry groaned.

"Yes, me," said Severus Snape. "Not by my own volition, but I am here. I hope you are pleased with yourself."

"What? Why?" said Harry, panicking. What could he have possibly done?

"Apparently, something happened when you went to bed tonight that forced me to appear in your dreams in this ridiculous outfit," said Snape. "Completely without consideration for other people, I might add. I dreamt I was assigning the entire Gryffindor house detention when you decided to intrude."

Light dawned on Harry. "Wait, I'm asleep? And you are too?"

Snape sighed. "Yes, Potter, that's what I said."

"So why are you in my dream? Why aren't I in yours?"

"This is conjecture, but I believe that you have become a beacon that calls other witches and wizards into your dreams when you fall asleep," said the Potions professor. "It probably has to do with that blasted scar of yours."

"Is that likely?"

"About as likely as my wearing knee-high striped socks," Snape snapped. They both glanced down at his legs. They both looked up again.

"I'm assuming that's a yes?" said Harry.

"I really hate you," said Snape. "I really do."

"Well, nothing new there," said Harry. Snape sighed. "True."

"So, where are we, exactly?"

"I have no idea. It _is _your dream we're in. Perhaps it is something from your subconscious? 'Hello world, I may be an arrogant little twit, but inside I'm all warm and fluffy'? Although possibly also on drugs?" sneered Snape.

"Hang on," Harry said slowly, ignoring this, "This place _does_ seem familiar." He started off across the grass to a cluster of gigantic mushrooms growing near a pond. Grumbling, Snape followed.

A few feet away, they stopped and exchanged horrified stares, because the mushrooms had doors and windows in.

"Be very careful," Snape said. "We're obviously dealing with a deranged mind here."

"Right," said Harry.

"It may be your own, but still…"

"_Harry Potter!"_ squealed a voice, and Harry was tackled around the knees. Harry waved his hands wildly to keep his balance while his attacker hugged his legs and squealed, "Harry Potter is a great wizard, yes he is, who helps house-elves in their time of need! We house-elves are honored to have a hero such as Harry Potter!"

"_Dobby?_" Harry gasped, pulling the elf off of his legs. "What are you doing here?"

"Thanking you, Harry Potter!" cried the elf, tears in his eyes. "If it were not for the arrival of Harry Potter, we house-elves would still be under the rule of the horrible wicked witch! But now we are saved and entirely free!"

Dobby hugged his legs again and sobbed into Harry's jeans while he and Snape looked at each other.

"What did you do?" Snape hissed at him.

"Nothing!" protested Harry. "I don't know what he's talking about! I just got here, remember?"

Snape scowled suspiciously at him and stalked back over to the house while Harry tried to pry Dobby off his legs again.

"Potter," Snape said flatly. "Come and look at this." Harry set Dobby down on a rock and hurried over.

Sticking out from under Number Four was a pair of pudgy, stocking-ed legs.

"Oh no," Harry gasped. "Is she--?"

"A house just fell on her, Potter, what do you think?"

"Who was she?" Harry asked desperately.

"I don't know. I didn't see her," Snape admitted. Harry felt something pull on his shirt sleeve and he looked down into Dobby's huge eyes.

"Does Harry Potter grieve for the wicked witch? Harry Potter is truly a forgiving wizard, kind and—"

"You mean I knew her?" Harry asked quickly. "Who was she, Dobby?"

"Why, Professor Umbridge, Harry Potter—"

"_Oh,_" said Snape. "Of course, the wicked witch. That's all right, then."

"Was she nasty to house-elves?" Harry asked, staring at the legs.

"If you think she hated part humans, Mr. Potter, it was nothing compared to intelligent non-humans."

"So is she really dead?" Harry asked. "In the real world, I mean?"

"I doubt we're that lucky. It is, after all, just a dream."

"Damn," said Harry. They both stared at the legs in silence. Snape removed his hat from his head.

"The other house-elves and Dobby want to thank Harry Potter!" said Dobby happily, breaking into their moment of grief. Harry looked around and saw eyes peeking around doors in the mushroom village.

"Wait a second," said Harry, light dawning as the elves crept towards them, "I know why this is familiar—"

A moment later Dobby had grabbed him by the hand and was pulling him around as the house-elves danced and sung around them.

Harry was pulled into the center of the circle of elves, where one read a proclamation to him and the rest cheered. He couldn't really understand what was going on, but it seemed to be good, whatever it was.

Harry staggered away as the elves began to prepare a feast and stood, trying to get his breath back. Snape had leapt to the safety of a nearby rock and was watching them in shock.

"I guess they really hated Umbridge," Harry gasped.

"Apparently," said Snape, with a kind of awe.

_BANG!_

The house elves screamed and cowered as a cloud of smoke appeared on the cobblestones. It vaporized to reveal Voldemort, holding a broom in one hand and looking even angrier than usual.

"You killed her!" he shrieked, pointing a finger at Harry. "You killed my connection to the Ministry! _Now_ how am I supposed to take over when she's squished flat like that?"

"It was an accident—" Harry began.

"Of course!" shouted the Dark Lord. "The shoes!" He hurried towards the house.

"Shoes?" said Harry, following him.

"Yes, the shoes! The magic shoes! The ones that make the wearer unhexible!" said Voldemort.

"They were a prototype made by Fred and George Weasley," Snape hissed in Harry's ear. "Umbridge had them confiscated by the Ministry."

"How do you know?" Harry muttered. Snape looked quizzical.

"I don't know. It's the dream filling in crucial plot information, I suppose."

"And I shall duplicate them and give them to all my Death Eaters!" cackled Voldemort. "And with them, I can—wait, where'd they go?" he shouted, staring at the legs. "There aren't any shoes here!"

"That's because they've been moved," said a deep voice behind them. They all spun around to see Dumbledore, smiling gently.

"What! Where to?" snapped Voldemort.

"Right here," said Dumbledore, pointing at Harry. Harry looked down at his feet and saw he was wearing glittering, ruby-red trainers, which had certainly not been on his feet before.

"Of course," Snape murmured next to him, "that's just like Umbridge. HHHow incredibly tasteless."

"Hah! Corpse robber! Who are you to stand in my way?"

Dumbledore stared at him. "Albus Dumbledore," he said, slowly and clearly, "your archenemy. Remember, Tom?"

"Oh I know that," Voldemort snapped. "I was being rhetorical."

"Right," said Dumbledore. "Anyway, you can't hex them off Harry and you can't harm Harry anymore, which I'm sure you would have gotten around to doing eventually, and Harry won't give them to you either. That settles it quite nicely, I think. 'Ta."

"Wait," Harry yelled, "What am I supposed to—"

Dumbledore vanished in a puff of smoke, smelling faintly of lemon drops. Harry was left with Snape, both of them staring at the seething Dark Lord.

"Oh, to hell with it!" Voldemort snarled. He snapped his fingers and vanished into another cloud of smoke.

Harry was now left with Snape. They stared at each other.

"Well, now what?" said Harry.

"I suppose we must find a way to defeat the Dark Lord," said Snape. "Even if we throw the shoes one way and run in the opposite direction, he'll be back to kill you eventually."

"Happy thought," Harry grumbled. "Can I die in a dream?"

"When the Dark Lord is in it? Who knows?"

"There's a great and powerful wizard that lives in a big castle," Dobby said helpfully from behind them. "All you have to do to find him is follow this yellow brick road."

Harry looked at Snape, who shrugged.

"You're coming with me?" said Harry, taken aback.

"Why not? I can see I'm not getting back to my own dreams anytime soon," said Snape irritably. "I was giving Neville Longbottom cleaning duty, too," he added wistfully.

Harry sighed. "Come on then." He headed off down the road.

"Oh great and wonderful Harry Potter!" shouted Dobby.

"What is it, Dobby?" Harry called back in exasperation.

"The great wizard's castle is the other way, Harry Potter!"

* * *

"What were you saying about this place seeming familiar?" Snape asked as they headed down the road—in the right direction, this time.

"I've seen it before," said Harry glumly. "Dudley was watching it on Muggle television last week, and I sat on the stairs and listened. It's _The Wizard of Oz._ Different, of course."

"I would assume so, if the entire wizarding world is going to be involved."

"Will it?" Harry asked, panicking.

"I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised. You have a talent for attracting trouble."

They walked in silence for a while.

"So explain it to me," said Snape. "What kind of insane plot did the Muggles come up with?"

"Well, Dorothy—she's the main character—hits her head during a storm and dreams that the house gets lifted up and falls into another world on top of the wicked witch of the East, which must be Umbridge. The wicked witch of the West—that's Voldemort—wants her magic shoes, but the Glinda the good witch of the North—that's Dumbledore—gives them to Dorothy before the wicked witch can get to them. Dorothy just wants to go home, so she sets off to find the Wizard of Oz, and meets a bunch of characters along the way. That's it, really."

"So you're saying it's a pipe dream," said Snape.

"Basically."

"And you must be Dorothy, because you have the shoes," Snape mused. "What about my character?"

"I don't know. I don't think there was one. Maybe you're the witch of the South," Harry suggested. "I don't remember her ever appearing."

"Just my luck," said Snape, glaring at Harry. "And did Dorothy ever leave this bizarre fantasy?"

"Oh yeah, she gets to the wizard and finds out the shoes really were what she needed…all along…"

They stopped and stared at each other. "Well, try it out, and maybe we can avoid all this rubbish," Snape demanded.

"Okay," said Harry. He stopped, closed his eyes, and thought of Hogwarts. "I wish I were home…I wish I was home…" He clicked his heels together. Nothing seemed to happen. He opened his eyes and saw that Snape was staring at him with a nauseated expression.

"And that worked in the film, did it?"

"Yeah," Harry sighed. "Just my luck."


	2. Talking Dogs and Crazy Trees, Oh My!

"Harrry! _Harrry!_ Rawf!"

"Ron!" Harry yelled, looking around wildly. "Thank Merlin! Where are you?"

"Over here," said Ron. "On this rock, see?"

"But that can't be right," said Harry, laughing, "there's just a little dog…there…."

"Yeah, I noticed that too," said Ron. "Thanks a lot, mate. What am I?" He scratched himself furiously.

"Er…You must be Dorothy's little dog…Toto."

"_Toto?_" Ron howled. "You turned your best friend into a dog named _Toto?_ What is _wrong_ with you, Harry?"

"It's not me! It's the dream!" yelled Harry. "And Toto was Dorothy's best friend, anyway!"

"_Dorothy?_" said Ron. "Bad luck, mate. Should've picked Murton Miggs, the Mad Muggle."

"Oh, shut up," Harry snapped.

"And what's he doing here?" said Ron, looking at Snape. They glowered at each other.

"He decided to come along," said Harry wearily. "We're off to see the Wizard of—wherever the hell we are—to see if he can stop this horror film. Want to come?"

"Sure, even if I am a yappy little dog," said Ron. "You're going to pay for this when we wake up, mate."

"Oh, definitely," said Snape.

They continued to walk down the path, Ron's little feet blurring to keep up with them. Soon they left the gigantic, psychedelic mushrooms behind and were walking between golden fields of grain.

Eventually they came upon a junction in the road with a signpost, near which a scarecrow was standing in a field. Harry squinted at it.

"Hang on," he said suspiciously. "Does that scarecrow look familiar to you?"

Ron and Snape stared at it.

"Dunno," said Ron. "Everything looks different from down here."

"It looks," said Snape slowly, "like someone stuffed your godfather with straw."

"Yeah," said Harry. "I think somebody might have. And for the last time, it wasn't me!" he added angrily. Snape, who has opened his mouth, clamped it shut in a hurry.

"Hey, Harry," said Sirius cheerfully as Harry approached him. "Would you mind cutting me down?"

"Sure," said Harry, quickly searching his pockets. He looked around at Snape.

"Can I use magic in a dream?"

Snape shrugged. "I don't see why not."

"Good," said Harry, pulling out his wand. "That should make everything a lot easier. _Reducto!_"

The ropes snapped, and Sirius fell flat on his face into the field.

"Oops—sorry…"

"No problem," said Sirius, bounding to his feet. He grinned at Harry. "How've you been, Harry? Dursleys okay this summer?"

"Not bad, anyway," said Harry. "They go out a lot."

"What about the whole Cedric Diggory thing a few weeks ago?"

"Yeah, Harry, I was meaning to ask you," said Ron.

"Oh, hi Ron," said Sirius, looking down. He grinned. "Looks like the table has turned the other way, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, woof woof, thanks for noticing, Snuffles," huffed Ron, rolling his eyes.

"Well, Harry?"

"Oh, I'm fine," said Harry. "I try not to think about it much."

"Good. So long as that's settled," said Sirius briskly. "You know, Harry, I can always turn the Dursleys into cats and chase them up trees if they're mean to you. Just say the word."

"Much as this little reunion is touching," Snape interjected swiftly, "we should get going. Unless of course you'd prefer to stand here until the Dark Lord catches up with us?"

"Merlin's beard, what are you doing hanging around with _him_, Harry?" said Sirius, glaring at Snape as though noticing him for the first time.

"He said he'd come along," said Harry sheepishly. "He's right, you know. Shall we get going?" he added quickly, as the two adults continued to glower at each other.

"Fine then. If you're so smart, which way, _professor?_" Sirius snarled at Snape. Snape narrowed his eyes and looked up at the signpost.

"It says, fifteen miles to the Underground City. Sound familiar, Potter?" he asked.

"No. In the movie, it was the Emerald City," said Harry.

"Well, the other choices are Queerditch Marsh, the Barren Waste, and Madam Courset's House of Passion, so I think we'll stick with the first one," said Snape.

Ron was suddenly struck with a fit of small barks, which, after a moment of surprise, Harry realized was a dog's attempt at hiding a laugh.

"So," said Snape, pointedly ignoring Ron, "who would like to go first down the path lined with suspiciously evil-looking trees?"

Ron stopped laughing immediately. He, Harry and Sirius huddled together, staring down the path apprehensively.

"Not I," said Sirius.

"Not I," said Harry quickly.

"Definitely not me," said Ron.

"And not I," said Snape. "He who is grammatically incorrect has, metaphorically, chosen the short straw. Get a move on, shortpaws."

"You'd better be careful, or when you're not looking you're going to find a nasty surprise in your shoes," muttered Ron, starting off down the path.

"What was that Snape said about Voldemort?" Sirius asked sharply, as they followed the grumbling dog.

"He's here," said Harry, "and he's mad."

"Mad for a new reason, or just on general principles?"

"Both," said Harry. "I have the shoes he wanted."

"Well, if he's so desperate, why doesn't he owl the shop for another pair?" said Sirius.

"He can't. They're one of a kind," snapped Harry. He had a feeling Sirius knew exactly why.

"And those would be the hideous trainers you're wearing?" said Sirius, staring down at Harry's glowing feet.

"Yeah," said Harry.

"Oh good," said Sirius, "I was a little afraid you'd gone blind and didn't know what you were wearing. Who would _make_ those things?"

"Fred and George. But I think Umbridge might have decorated them."

"Oh, right."

"Sirius?" said Ron, who had trotted back to them.

"Yes, Ron?"

"Why are you made of straw?"

"You know, that was going to be my next question," said Sirius.

"You're a scarecrow," said Harry. His two wizarding-raised companions looked at him blankly.

"It's something Muggles use to scare crows away from farms," he explained wearily. "One of the characters in the _Wizard of Oz_ is a scarecrow."

"And that is—?"

"A Muggle movie that my dream is following," sighed Harry. If he was going to have to explain himself to everyone he met, it was going to be a long night.

"Why is there a walking and talking scarecrow in the film?" sneered Snape.

"You mean this isn't normal?" said Sirius.

"No."

"_I_ don't know," snapped Harry. "You said yourself you thought these people were nutters."

"Well, what was it doing there? Talking to crows?"

"No, the crows were attacking him, and Dorothy helped him. Then there was a song…and the scarecrow decided he was going to go to the Wizard and ask if he could make him smarter."

"How fitting," sneered Snape. Then his forehead wrinkled. "Wait a minute—_song?_"

"Oh yeah," said Harry. "I forgot to tell you it's a musical."

Snape whirled around, grabbed Harry by the front of his robes, and lifted him bodily off the ground.

"There is no way," he snarled, his face very close to Harry's, "just _no way_ that I am going to be dancing around like some great prat singing at the top of my lungs. You hear me? One outburst of song and, so help me, it won't matter whether it's a dream or not, when you wake up you will be _very _sorry that this ever happened….Tell Weasley to let go of my ankle, please."

Harry squinted at Snape, heard Ron growling below him, and saw over Snape's shoulder that Sirius was pointing his wand at him. "That depends on whether you're going to put me down or not," he managed. Snape slowly lowered him to the ground.

"Okay, we're good," said Harry, brushing himself off. "Let _go_, Ron. It's okay."

"Seriously?" asked Snape.

"Yeah, I get it," said Harry. "Right now I feel like if anybody starts singing, I'm going to hex them into next week."

"Yeah, well, I'm still watching you, Snape," said Sirius, glaring at his longtime enemy.

"You do that," said Snape. "Just watch you don't trip over the cobbles while you're doing so." And with that, he stalked off.

"Arsehole," muttered Sirius.

Harry sighed. "Let's go."

They continued on, the yellow brick road now shadowed by the overhanging branches of the trees. Here and there, Harry saw splotches of red.

"Hey, will you look at these trees! They have apples on them! I'm _starving!_" Ron howled.

"Want one, Ron?" Sirius asked.

"Wait a second," muttered Harry. Snape had stopped and was looking around suspiciously. "Do you see it too?"

"That these trees look familiar? Yes," said Snape. "Although I can't put my finger on it…."

"I think I can," said Harry grimly. "This is—wait! Don't, Sirius! There's a _Whomping Willow_ in there!"

"Oh, come on, it won't mind!" said Sirius cheerfully. "It's just a couple of –Ow!"

"Oh, great jumping flobberworms," whimpered Ron.

"Ow! Ow! Hey—_Ow!_"

Sirius ended up curled into a ball in the middle of the road, holding his streaming nose.

"Whomping Willow, my foot," he yelled. "_That_ was a whomping apple tree!"

Snape sneered down at him. "Oh, if you only had a brain."


	3. The Second and the Inn

"Well, if it was like that in the movie, why didn't you warn me sooner?" Sirius grumbled.

"I didn't remember," said Harry. "Didn't you recognize the Whomping Willow?"

"I'm telling you, those were apple trees," Sirius grumbled again.

They continued walking further into the forest. Sirius had repaired his nose in a moment, but he continued to pout, leaving Harry to walk with Ron and Snape.

"So. What's next?" said Ron. Harry racked his brains.

"Next should be the Tin Man," he said. "And then Voldemort should be back to torment us."

"Well, at least now we'll have advance warning," said Snape. "And the Tin Man, I suppose, is made out of tin? Not a very imaginative script."

"Maybe they used it all up on the giant mushrooms," said Harry.

They rounded a bend in the track and before them was a quaint little log cabin. But instead of the rusted metal man out front Harry was expecting, there was a young woman with red hair, green eyes, and a very familiar face, and she smiled at Harry.

"_Mum_?" said Harry, scarcely believing it. "What are you doing here?"

"You tell me," said Lily Potter. "You dreamt us here."

"Does that mean—is Dad here?"

She smiled and turned towards the cabin. "He's not quite like you might remember him as."

"He's the Tin Man, isn't he?" said Harry quickly. "That's okay, I already know—"

"Um," she said, "Well, not quite…James! Harry's here!"

The door to the cabin opened, and James Potter came out and hurried over to them. For some reason, his head was drooping low to the ground.

"Um—Dad?" said Harry. James managed to lift his head with difficulty, and both hands.

"I think," Lily said, smiling slightly, "Your father's become the Iron-Headed Man."

Harry gaped for a few seconds, his father grinning slightly at him.

"_Why?_"

"Must be a reference to all those falls I took during Quidditch," said James proudly. "Always jumped up without a scratch!"

"Or maybe it's how criticism always seems to bounce off of your big head," said Snape silkily. James' face flushed.

"Sod off, _Snivellus,_ you—"

Lily clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Or _maybe_, it's because after all these years its common sense and a conscience that bounces of him," she said wearily. "Perhaps we ought to see someone to get you fixed, James. _You_ might want to see someone about that mouth of yours, Severus," she added, as Snape curled it into a smirk. It flattened out immediately.

"What? I haven't—"

"Oh, yes you have," said Sirius.

"Definitely," said Ron.

"Absolutely," said Harry.

"Well, that's settled, then," said Lily briskly. "Appointments with the Wizard all around, hmm?"

"And you?" said Snape quizzically. "Will the wizard need to be fixing that busybody complex of yours? Because that, one might say, may be beyond his power—"

Snape stopped and stared at the three wands pointing at his nose, then looked down at the dog chomping on his ankle.

"On second thought, perhaps I do need to learn when to shut my mouth," he said thoughtfully. Harry and Sirius lowered their wands. Lily had to forcibly push James away.

"For goodness's sake, James, don't be so touchy!" she exclaimed. "It's just Severus!" She sighed, and turned to the rest of the group. "Well. Shall we get going?"

"Hang on," said Harry grimly. "I think Voldemort will be showing up any minute now."

Ron looked up at him incredulously. "So why are we standing here? Let's go!"

"Wait," said Harry firmly, "Just wait. I know it…."

* * *

"_Well_, Harry? Are you satisfied now? It's been a bloody hour already!"

"I know he's coming!" Harry insisted. "This is where he appeared in the movie!"

"Well, Harry, your Dad's got an iron head and I can talk, and Snape's here too, so I don't think it's strictly by the script anymore, okay?" said Ron. "And I didn't get any apples on the way here and I'm _still_ starving, and that milepost said there's an inn ten miles from here! Let's _go,_ Harry!"

"He'll be back," Harry grumbled as they started off again. "You just wait."

"You know, Harry, I don't think I will," said Ron. "In fact, if he did show up I'd probably wet my fur."

They set off down the path. Harry couldn't help staring at his parents.

_I can't believe this is real,_ he thought, then added, _well, as real as this is, anyway._

"Is it really you, or are you just my imagination?" he asked his mother. Lily smiled.

"No, we're really here. You are a beacon right now, Harry. You called us."

Harry stopped walking. Everyone stopped to look at him, but he didn't care. A sudden thought had just skittered across his mind.

"This isn't a trick, is it?" he said, his heart plummeting. "Is this Voldemort's idea of a prank?"

They looked at each other. Snape peered closely at James, and then prodded him thoughtfully on the shoulder. James rubbed his arm and stared at him.

"Looks real enough to me," Snape sneered. "Satisfied, Potter?"

Harry chewed his lip. "All right," he said finally. "If you're willing to admit he's here, you're probably right then."

"'Probably'?" said Snape.

James draped an arm around Harry's shoulder. "Come on, Harry," he said, leading them down the path. "We have a lot to catch up on. Starting with exactly why you would trust that snake."

"Well, it's kind of a long story…" Harry began.

"Do tell," sneered Snape's voice from behind them.

* * *

As they continued on their way, the forest became thicker and wilder around them and less light filtered through the trees. The effect was eerie in the darkening evening.

"Dark forest," Lily mused, as they plodded on.

"Don't worry, Lily, I'll protect you," said James proudly.

"Yeah, all you'll have to do is nut them with that head of yours," said Sirius. "That'll lay out anybody."

"Really, I was just making conversation, Sirius," said Lily. "What on earth do you think is in this forest?"

"Well, like manticores and stuff. And bears, obviously."

"Lions and tigers," Harry muttered.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing," said Harry, smiling to himself. Then he pointed. "There it is!"

Up ahead, a welcome glow in the darkening woods, was a charming little inn.

"_Finally!"_ crowed Ron. "Food at last!"

He raced ahead, Sirius jogging to catch up with him. The rest of them followed at a more leisurely pace.

"Maybe we can get rooms for the night," said Lily. "Anyone have any money on them?"

"Some," said Snape. "I believe it will be sufficient."

Ron and Sirius had already disappeared into the inn when they arrived at its door. James knocked on the wood.

The door was thrown open, and a very familiar face beamed out at them.

"Mr. Weasley!" cried Harry. "Thank Merlin!"

"Harry! Good to see you again! Ron said you'd be coming. Come in, come in!" said Arthur Weasley.

The Potters and Snape stepped into the inn, and Mr. Weasley shut the door behind them. Then he looked into their faces, and was visibly taken aback.

"Dear Merlin," he said. "It can't be…?"

"It is," said James. "Hallo, Arthur."

"I knew you from the Ministry!" cried Mr. Weasley. "Auror's office! We used to meet in the lift!"

"The very same," said James, smiling.

"Welcome back, the both of you!" said Mr. Weasley. "Oh, how wonderful!"

"We don't know how long we'll be staying," said Lily, sitting down at a table. "Harry brought us here."

"Any time is excellent," said a firm voice from behind Harry. He turned to see Mrs. Weasley, who smiled at him from near the fireplace. "Glad you could make it, all of you. Sit down, do," she added to the room at large. Snape, who had been hovering awkwardly in the background, nodded and settled himself at the table.

Harry looked around. He couldn't see Fred or George anywhere, but Bill and Charlie were getting mugs and plates out of the dresser and Ginny was helping Mrs. Weasley with dinner. Percy was sitting at the table, scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment, and barely bothered to grunt a greeting at them.

"What's up, Perce?" said Ron, craning his head to see what he was writing.

"Go away," snapped Percy, twitching the parchment away. "I'm the Junior Undersecretary to the Minister now; I must keep up with my work. Mr. Fudge expects a lot from me."

"Oh, go on," said Ron, rolling his eyes. "Can't you even stop working when you're asleep?"

"No," Percy snapped again.

"Perce, you're just going to have to write it all again when you wake up," said Charlie, setting a mug down in front of Harry. "Lighten up."

Percy sighed with frustration and pushed the report away. "Will you people never let me finish my work?"

"No," said Ron bluntly. "I'm starving. What's for dinner?"

"Roast," said Mrs. Weasley. "With potatoes and carrots and treacle pudding for afters." Ron groaned hungrily.

"Hey Ron," Harry hissed at him. "How come your parents aren't surprised you're a dog?"

"We're a wizarding family, Harry," said Ron, not taking his eyes of Mrs. Weasley, apparently in case she had an urge to throw the roast out the window. "This is relatively normal, especially when you live with Fred and George."

"Yeah, have you seen them at all?" said Charlie. "Only we haven't run into them since we arrived, and we're starting to get worried."

"Worried for them, or the people around them?" said Snape. "I should think they'd be a match for anyone."

Harry snorted.

"Good point," Charlie conceded. "I suppose they didn't have to have come, anyway. Lucky ones. They could be sleeping right now instead."

"Sorry," mumbled Harry. He could tell everyone involved in this charade was going to be _really_ grouchy tomorrow morning.

"Not your fault, mate," said Bill, finishing setting the table and sitting down across from them. "Can't help it, can you?"

Dinner was served, and everyone settled down at their places (Ron was forced by his mother to eat out of a bowl on the floor). No one spoke until the first plate was cleared.

Snape ladled some more potatoes onto his plate and asked, "Tomorrow we're supposed to continue on to the Underground City. Have you any idea what would be there?"

"Well, the Wizard, for one thing," said Mr. Weasley around a mouthful of roast, looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. Snape nodded smugly and shot a look at Sirius, who busied himself with his dinner and pointedly ignored him.

"I'm sure there will be people there that I know," he said, looking quizzically at his wife. "Perhaps I should come along and help you?"

"I don't see why not," said Mrs. Weasley. "We can stay here with the inn."

"That would be wonderful," said Lily. "Do you have any extra rooms for the night?"

"We don't have any guests right now," said Mrs. Weasley. "They all left for the Underground City this afternoon."

"Seems to be a popular place," said James. "Do you know who the wizard is?"

The Weasleys shook their heads.

"Seems like the perfect way to trap us, if Voldemort wanted to," muttered Harry, ignoring the winces around the table at the name.

"Can one person play two characters?" Snape asked musingly, deliberately avoiding mention of the Dark Lord, Harry knew.

"You do realise who we're talking about here," said Sirius, in a lecturing tone of voice. Snape scowled at him.

"I meant only that there might be rules to this dream," said Snape slowly. "It could be impossible to impersonate someone else."

"Well, either way, it's not like we have any other options," said Lily, intervening as peacemaker. "Let's just finish dinner and get some rest, shall we?"

After a delicious treacle pudding, they all wandered upstairs. Harry shared a room with Ron, who slept stretched out across the other bed; Sirius took the room next to them; and Snape nodded a curt goodnight and took the bedroom at the end of the hall.

Harry lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering what would happen should he fall asleep.


	4. The Wicked Jig of the Witch

**Author's Note:** _I'm back! After a quite a few months of writer's block (during which my plot gnome decided to take a vacation), a busy schedule, and various mayhem and foolishness, I am finally in a position to direct more time to my fanfictions. Thank you to all those who were patiently waiting!_

_*crickets*_

_Okay, then. So much for that. I realise this is a short chapter, but never fear!-Several more chapters are already here! Seriously, though, I have through chapter six ready of this story and I have been working on several more, so let the fun begin! _

* * *

**Chapter Four – The Wicked Jig of the Witch**

The Wicked Voldemort of the West smiled mirthlessly as one of his Death-Eater Monkeys entered his tower fortress through the open window and landed in the middle of the rug.

"Well? Did they buy it?"

"Yes, my lord." Snape straightened up and brushed dust off his sleeve. His black, leathery wings folded themselves into his robes and became indistinguishable from the rest of his clothing.

Voldemort punched the air. "_Yessss_! Rookwood, break out the firewhiskey. This time I've got 'em!"

The pockmarked wizard hurried gleefully off while Voldemort started dancing a jig. Snape stopped straightening his robes to stare in dumbfounded shock.

"What?" snapped Voldemort, as he did a graceful pirouette across the tower. "Haven't you people seen a victory jig before?"

Snape turned to Bellatrix Lestrange, who had a similar expression of slack-jawed surprise on her face.

"Did I miss something?" said Snape.

"He's got a plan to get Potter," said Bellatrix, not taking her eyes off the dancing Dark Lord. "Are you sure we shouldn't get Rookwood to keep the alcohol _away_ from him?"

Snape turned and took a step toward Voldemort. "My lord-"

He jumped and stepped back quickly as something squeaked at him from under his shoe. He looked down at a pair of small, angry red eyes set in a ratlike face. It was ratlike because it was on a large, brown rat, and by the sound of the noises it was making it was giving him an earful of abuse.

"Wormtail?" said Snape, bewildered. The rat nodded and kept shouting obscenities at him in rat-language. "Wow. That's random. Shame about the size."

Wormtail bit him. Snape swore and hopped on one foot, rubbing at his ankle, while in the background Bellatrix sniggered at him.

Somewhere in the midst of all the bouncing the hopper and the jigger happened to pass by each other, and Snape decided to go for broke.

"My lord, perhaps we should wait to celebrate until after Potter has been eliminated-"

"Nah, I've been keeping this firewhiskey for just this occasion, and you know, I've never gotten a chance to open it?" Voldemort said, not breaking stride. "Damn Potter keeps screwing things up before I get to the after-party, so we'll do it first this time. Either way, I still get drunk, and that's what counts, innit?"

Snape gingerly tested putting weight on his foot, before limping over to Bellatrix.

"He's gone completely round the twist," he told her. "You're on your own."

Bellatrix gave him a nasty look and jumped down from the bookshelf, landing on his injured ankle.

As Snape swore at her and balanced on one foot again, Wormtail—with great satisfaction—bit him on the other ankle.


	5. Onward, and Up, and Over

**Author's Note: **_Thanks again to all of you who were patiently waiting! Here's a lengthier chapter for you - hope you enjoy. I can't promise another chapter immediately, but it is forthcoming. This concept of "free time" I keep hearing about...I've never seen it. There is only one thing for it - a quest! *runs off shouting "Onward, brave souls!"*_**  
**

* * *

Harry awoke to sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window and a face full of dog slobber. He'd fallen asleep in the middle of his pondering.

"Argh!" he said, pushing his friend away. "_Ron_!"

"Come on!" said Ron impatiently. "Breakfast!"

Harry shoved his glasses on and wandered down the stairs after his friend. Snape was already slouched at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee. Harry noticed that he'd removed some of the skull jewelery from his person.

"Morning," said Harry, sitting down and stifling a yawn. Snape grunted a reply.

"Good morning," said Mrs. Weasley cheerfully, putting a loaded plate of eggs and bacon down in front of Harry and another in front of Snape, who brightened up perceptively. Harry handed Ron several rashers of bacon and tucked into his own plate. The others wandered down stairs in ones and twos while he ate, until everyone was seated at the table again.

"What a breakfast!" said James happily. "Pinch me, I'm dreaming! Ouch, hey!" he glared at Snape. "Quit that!"

"Well, you did ask," sneered Snape.

"Enough!" said Lily, glaring at them. "You two are going to stay away from each other today, you hear me?"

"Fine by me," they chorused.

Everyone finished their breakfast quickly, because Lily was glaring daggers at the pair of them, and the Weasleys, sans Arthur, sent them off with goodbyes and several stuffed bags of food.

"In case your trip takes longer than you expected," explained Mrs. Weasley. "Stay safe!"

Though they'd hardly skimped on breakfast, Snape was already munching through a meat pie by the time the inn was hidden behind the first bend in the road. Surprisingly, he was sharing with Ron.

"So, what next?" Snape asked, through a mouthful of pie. Harry had to wrack his brains again.

"The cowardly lion," he said. "That should mean we're close to the city." He paused, then asked, "So who d'you think-?"

"Neville," said Ron instantly.

Snape nodded. "Longbottom would be a good choice."

Lily frowned at them. "That's not very nice."

"Neville's sort of…well…" began Harry awkwardly.

"—A clumsy ne'er-do-well," finished Snape, as he finished off the pie as well. "He would be perfect."

Lily just shook her head disapprovingly.

* * *

The road continued to wind through the forest, to the point where they could only see the small portion they were on between bends. It became as though the forest was walling them in, and branches began to reach out on the path, catching at their clothes when they were unawares.

A particularly malicious low branch ripped one of Sirius's shoulders, and they spent half an hour picking up his stuffing as he marched on, refusing to allow Lily to come anywhere near him with a needle and thread. Finally, Snape reached the end of his patience, and hit Sirius over the head with another branch. Lily took the opportunity as the scarecrow sprawled unconscious to do up his seam, and they continued on again, only smarting emotionally from the exchange.

Sirius twitched whenever Snape came near him. Snape seemed to be coming near him more often than was necessary just to enjoy the affect. Lily pointed out that the two supposed adults were acting the most immature out of the whole group, and neither of them spoke to her for quite a while.

As they went round yet another turn, they stopped short, faced with a large, hairy beast that growled at them. Even Harry, who had been waiting for it to happen, jumped at the sudden appearance.

They stared at it for a while, and it stared back, almost as though it hadn't been planning anything else and was wondering what exactly to do next.

"That's not a lion, that's a wolf," commented Sirius. "Should we assume it's a change to the script, or hex it into oblivion?"

"The first option," said the wolf. "What are you doing here, James?"

"Me?" said James. "What are you doing as a wolf, Remus?"

Remus Lupin shook his head. "I wouldn't know. One minute I was having a dream about chasing rabbits, the next moment, I was here." He sat down and scratched himself with a hind foot. "What's been going on?"

Everyone turned expectantly to Harry, who let out a resigned sigh.

"I've apparently become a beacon that dreamed everybody into _The_ _Wizard of Oz,_ for some stupid reason, and now we have to go through the motions of the story just so we can get back to our own dreams. Satisfied, everyone?"

"Only vaguely," said Lupin.

"So he is-?" said Snape expectantly, from behind Sirius. Harry's godfather leapt vertically into the air and landed several feet away, cursing.

"_How_ does he sneak up on people like that?" he demanded.

Everyone ignored him. Lupin looked quizzically at Snape.

"Er, isn't it obvious, Severus?" he asked. He looked at James for help.

"I mean, Potter, what character is he?" said Snape, gesturing vaguely. "This isn't the one you were talking about."

"Er, what?" said James.

"Yeah, I know," said Harry resignedly. "I think it's all gone pear-shaped, to be honest."

In his own mind, however, Harry had an uncomfortable thought—that Remus was the cowardly wolf who had left Hogwarts two years ago instead of fighting for his position, and merely lived with the prejudice against werewolves instead of doing something about it. Maybe Hermione would think that way, (although privately he hoped not), but he supposed it was all down to points of view, whatever it was.

"So Remus," said James, looking sideways at Harry, "Are you going to come along or what?"

"Well," said Lupin thoughtfully, his tail thumping against the ground, "I really only have a very slight idea of what you're talking about, but when you come right down to it, I'd rather come with you than sit around all day here, and I don't have any other options. So sure, I'll come along," he added, as James' eyes glazed over.

Harry gave his head a shake as they, yet again, continued on. _If this keeps up, _he thought to himself,_ we're going to start resembling a traveling circus._ Then he cast a glance around at the group, and sighed.

James was having to hold his own head up to talk to Lily. Snape had crossed his arms over the skull emblem on the front of his robes and wasn't talking to anybody. Ron and Lupin were essentially talking dogs. Sirius was a walking scarecrow.

It was too late. They already did.

* * *

YOU ARE NOW PASSING THROUGH THE CENTRE OF THIS FOREST. THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO KNOW.

Sirius scratched the top of his head with a rustling sound as he and the others contemplated the sign.

"Okay, but..._why?_" asked Lily finally.

"Don't question it," said Snape. "Just don't. We've gone far beyond reason."

As a group, they shuffled slowly backwards—almost unconsciously—away from the sign.

"So, onward and, uh, onward then?" said James.

They continued onward.

* * *

The next sign they came across said simply, YOU ARE HERE, with a very helpful explanatory arrow pointing straight at the ground.

"I think I might have been able to figure that out for myself, thanks," said James.

"Really?" said Snape.

* * *

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS FOREST CONTAINS 6,693 SQUIRRELS?

"No," said Lily. "No, I didn't."

* * *

COWS CAN HOLD GRUDGES FOR UP TO THREE YEARS.

"The hell?" said Lupin. It was the only response the party could come up with.

* * *

Harry felt as though an interminable time had passed before the party stepped out of the forest into the field beyond. The sun beat down with a heat that was surprising after the cool of the forest as they gazed out across the rolling hills. Though the yellow brick road continued to the horizon as expected, there was something missing from the otherwise pleasant landscape.

There was a distressing dearth of major cities.

"But that was how it looked in the movie!" protested Harry. "Dorothy and everybody walked out of the forest and there was the Emerald City, right out there in the distance! Where the hell is it?" He stopped yelling at the shocked look on his companion's faces. "Sorry," he said, more calmly. "But it should be here, it really should!"

"But surely you can't see an _underground_ city," said a familiar voice. "Honestly, Harry, you must have noticed everything's changed!"

Harry whipped around. Sitting on the hillside to one side of the track, surrounded by stacks of books and wearing a very knowing (and on that face,_ very _familiar) expression, was Harry's other best friend, Hermione Granger. She was holding a huge tome of a book entitled _An Appendixe of Everythinge of the Land of –Waite, Where Are We?_

"_Hermione!" _The gleeful shout was heard several hills away and startled nearby birds out of their nests. Ron ran in joyful circles after his own tail, ran up the slope and slathered their bushy-haired friend with slobbery kisses.

"Arrgh! Get _off,_ Ron!" shouted Hermione, shielding her face with her hands. "You're getting drool _everywhere_! Yeargh!"

"Hermione!" cried Harry again. "Thank Merlin, it's you! If anyone knows anything, it'll be Hermione!"

"What are you going _on_ about, Harry?" said Hermione impatiently. "And will you get _off,_ you muddlehead! Thank you!"

"Hermione, you've got to help us," said Harry. "How can we stop this horrible nightmare?"

Hermione, who was brushing herself off, looked up at him blankly.

"How should I know?" she said.

Harry's heart plummeted very much like a piano would out a fourth-story window.

"You mean you—don't know-?" he managed to croak.

"That's what I said," she replied impatiently. "Listen," she said more kindly, when Harry continued to look crestfallen, "What's been going on here has been generally similar to the movie, so I think your best bet is to keep on going to the Underground City. That is—you did try out the shoes, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but they didn't work," said Harry.

"Did you rap the heels together?" pried Hermione.

"_Yes,_" sighed Harry. "_And_ I said, 'I wish I was home,' and before you ask, I tried every grammatical way possible, I _know_ I'm not any good at writing essays—"

"But that's not right!"

Harry stopped mid-sentence and gaped at her. "What d'you mean, it's not right? It's what I said!"

"No, Harry, don't you remember? She said 'there's no place like home' in the movie," said Hermione.

"Well, there _isn't _anyplace like home," Harry snapped. "Hermione, I live with the Dursleys."

"Oh—right," said Hermione. "That probably won't work, then. You need somewhere you'd _want _to return to, if I'm any judge. What about 'There's no place like Hogwarts?'"

"Or maybe 'I wish I was at the Burrow,'" offered Ron. "That's true too."

"Or possibly 'I wish I could get out of this stupid dream and get some real sleep,'" snapped a voice from behind them.

Harry looked around. Snape had settled himself on the hillside opposite them, across the road, and was munching on a thick block of fruitcake.

"But there could be a million possibilities," said Lily doubtfully. "Wouldn't we be better off finding the Wizard than standing around trying passwords all day?"

"And what if we make it to the Wizard, and it turns out he can't help us at all?" said Snape sourly. "What shall we do then?"

"Well, I—I don't know…."

"Well, we certainly won't get anywhere sitting around," said James, glaring at Snape.

"Oh!" cried Hermione, who had just noticed him. "Harry is that—is that your-?"

"My mum and dad, yeah," said Harry, grinning. "He's supposed to be the Tin Man—"

"—Iron-Headed Man—" interjected Sirius.

"—Rusty load of filings—" muttered Snape.

"—And we're not sure what my mum is," Harry continued.

"Pleased to meet you," said Lily with a smile, shaking Hermione's hand.

"And here's Lupin. He's the wolf," explained Harry. He hoped everyone would be tactful enough not to mention the "cowardly lion" label, and thankfully no one commented, although Hermione did a double take at the name.

"Er…if you don't mind me asking, who-?" Harry began.

"I'm the Assistant Librarian," said Hermione, hefting the tome in her hands. "Apparently we're supposed to be the keepers of all the knowledge of the kingdom of Wherever, but there doesn't seem to be that much of it, as you might have guessed."

"The kingdom of what?" queried James.

"The kingdom of Wherever," repeated Hermione. "As in, 'wait, where are we?' We're not in a particular place, we're just someplace. We're just wherever. See?"

James gave her a blank look. "That's horrible," he said. "Just horrible. Is that supposed to be some sort of joke?"

"It's the only explanation we've been able to come up with," replied Hermione. "The question is: who has such an awful sense of humour? If we knew that, we'd understand a lot more of what's going on here."

"Oh, I think I have an idea," muttered Snape under his breath.

"Wait a second—'we'?" said Sirius. "Who's 'we'?"

"Myself and Professor McGonagall. She's the Head Librarian."

"McGonagall? Why didn't you say so? She'd be the one to know!" said Sirius excitedly.

"I doubt it," said Hermione sadly. "I don't think she knows much more than I do."

"Yeah, Black," said Snape waspishly. "This isn't Transfiguration class, and you can't copy Potter's homework."

* * *

Harry sighed, and knocked on the heavy oak door.

A lot had happened in the last ten minutes. It had been the busy sort of time where, afterwords, a significant portion of the party was not speaking someone else, several someone's, or to the world in general. Ironically, all those who had been involved had been otherwise intelligent, clear-thinking adults. Harry had never been witness to a more uncomfortable time that hadn't involved anyone actually dying.

It would have all blown over if Sirius hadn't taken offense at what Snape had said. Words were exchanged, some of which not repeatable. Lily, of course, became involved. James rushed to her defense. Fists flew.

And that was why, when Professor McGonagall finally pushed aside the huge door, she was met with the sight of what was surely the strangest band of adventurers she had ever seen, and some of them were sporting black eyes and nursing bruises.

Her eyebrows raised so high that they were in danger of disappearing into her severe hairstyle.

"Well," she said. "This _is_ a surprise."

"Not really, if you take into account who's involved," said Lupin wearily. "It's just like our Hogwarts days."

"Shut up," snapped Sirius.

"Please," agreed Snape, rubbing his jaw and glaring at Harry's godfather.

McGonagall rolled her eyes and stepped back. They all filed into the dusty gloom of the Library, a welcome relief from the hot sun.

It was a vaguely conical building, with a central area open to the ceiling and walkways around the walls. Every spare inch of wall space was devoted to books.

"Nice place," said Sirius. "I like what you've done with the décor."

"Bullshit," said McGonagall.

Sirius' mouth dropped open. "Pardon?"

"This is a dream. I want to be home in my bed, asleep, and I do not want to be here. This is not Hogwarts. I will speak however I damn well want to," said McGonagall, crossing her arms. "And I don't think too kindly of kiss-ups, Sirius Black."

"Noted, ma'am," said Sirius.

"And don't try to sound smart, either, Black!"

"No, ma'am," said Sirius hurriedly.

McGonagall rounded on Snape. "And you-"

"Pork pie?" Snape offered hurriedly, putting the pie in between himself and his irate colleague. "Baked by Mrs. Weasley?"

McGonagall inspected it. "All right," she said, snatching it away from him.

"So what can you tell us about this mess?" asked Lupin. "Is there an Underground City after all?"

"Oh yes," said McGonagall, spraying Harry with crumbs. "I'll find a map while you all _stay here and don't cause any trouble,_ all right?"

"Yes, ma'am," they chorused hurriedly, and the Transfiguration professor stalked off into the recesses of the library.

Sirius nudged Hermione. "Aren't you going to tell her off for eating in a library?"

"Shut up," Hermione snapped at him.

"Here it is," said McGonagall a few minutes later, returning to their view. She unfolded a huge map on a lectern, which seemed to have a mind of its own and flopped about, daring them to ever get it folded back up again.

"Let's see..." McGonagall stared at the map, were a yellow line marked _Yellow Brick Road_ weaved across a green plain, did a couple of loop-the-loops and ended up at a large dot marked _The Underground City._ "Well, it looks like if you follow the yellow brick road, you'll end up at the Underground City."

There was a brief silence. Then Snape said, very carefully, "That was very helpful, Minerva. Thank you."

McGonagall punched him on the arm. "Don't give me your lip, you overgrown dungeon bat in knee-highs!"

"Ow!" Snape rubbed his arm. "_Why_ is everyone beating up on me tonight?"

"Snape's wearing knee highs?" said James, grinning. "Now this I have to see!"

"_No one_ is going anywhere near my knees!" howled Snape. "Do you have any idea how _creepy_ that sounds?"

"Wow, what century are you from?" said James. "The one I come from, people regularly show off their knees-"

"Could my dad please stop going down this line of conversation, please?" said Harry, who was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah, I don't particularly want to see Snape's knees," said Sirius.

"That's it," snapped McGonagall. "I've had enough of this. Get out of here, all of you!"

* * *

"You see, I _told_ you we don't know much," said Hermione sadly as they walked away from the tower. "There isn't a whole lot of wisdom in this place, okay?"

"Hah," laughed Mr. Weasley. "I just got it!" They all stopped and turned to stare at him. "It's not just a comment, it's actually kind of a blanket insult and—oh...Did you all already know that?" he queried.

"You know, up until now I hadn't noticed," said Snape. "Now I just feel insulted."

"Oh dear," said Mr. Weasley, deflating. "Just when I thought I was following along..."

"Anyhoo," said Lily in the awkward silence. "Onward and upward, yes?"

"More like onward and upward for a little while and then over and then down again, because we're on a hill," said Sirius, as they continued on.

"Well, 'bye then!"

Harry looked around. Hermione was waving at them from the side of the road.

"You're not coming with us, Hermione?" Harry called over his shoulder. He was crestfallen; right now he could use Hermione's level-headed personality to keep him grounded.

"I really should stay with Professor McGonagall," she said. "Otherwise I think she's going to start setting fire to the furniture. Good luck though, and get us out of here soon!" she added, with emphasis on the latter exhortation.

"I'll try," muttered Harry under his breath.

* * *

Hermione continued watching them for some time after they started off down the road.

"...And then up again and over again and down again, and up and over and down and up, over, down, up, over, down-" Sirius started waving his hands with the rhythm as they disappeared over the crest of the next hill.

"Up, over, down! Up, over, down! Up-"

"Black?" snapped Snape.

"What?"

"Will you _shut up?_"

"Please?" muttered Hermione.


End file.
